Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
