Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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