new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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