Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
