i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
