Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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