is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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