Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
