I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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