Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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