I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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