I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
