DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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