You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
