did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize