i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize