She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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