Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
