my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
