there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I love you. Go after that dick
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
