he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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