We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize