thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The beer is more important than you right now.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
