If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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