I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
