I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
