you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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