he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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