2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
