He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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