I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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