I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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