my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
