And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize