my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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