you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you would pick up someone in the library
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
