u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
