Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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