im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
