you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
