My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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