Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
