DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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