i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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