I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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