i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
