The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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