I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
