remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize