i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
