my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
