now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
