I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
