my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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