You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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