why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
PS: I just woke up from my shower
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
