My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
we're so committed to being not committed
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
