his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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