My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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