i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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