I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
